Be a Moving Target

His depression is back.  I know I’ve touched on this before, I’m not blind to it.  Waves.  Our life is filled with waves.  Looking back over these past few years writing about my husband’s PTSD, I see patterns, like waves.  Some waves, when we sit on the beach, are lovely to have.  Others, like his insomnia, not so much.  It’s good to be able to trace it back because I can always reason that “this too shall pass” is real.  These times pass and good times are always present.

Unfortunately there have been some worsening symptoms.  He’s always lost time, little bits falling away, but it’s getting worse.  He knows when it happens now and struggles to find the time, the memories.  If I’m not paying attention or I don’t check on him regularly he can lose an afternoon or morning, or worse stand blank eyed and catatonic for hours and end up losing days.  I don’t know what’s going on.  I do know that we talked to his doctor, but unfortunately there are so many symptoms she can’t treat them all at once.  If she tries he’ll end up not seeking treatment at all.  I’ve watched the appointment cards roll in causing him to approach saturation point.  Appointments have to be cancelled.  Choosing what is most important is stressful. I feel like one of those circus performers with the plates on sticks.  I have all these spinning plates all balanced, but I know I can’t keep all of them going, so I have choose which one to drop.  Each is delicate and will shatter.  I second-guess every choice I make.  What if it was the wrong one to cancel?

This week I cancelled a counseling session.  I know he needs to go, but he has so many dental appointments to deal with something that cannot wait and a couple of others for the loss of strength in his arm, which also cannot wait.  I feel like I can’t win. But, I push forward and balance my plates.  Sometimes I feel them slipping, but I persevere. I let one go, sacrificing it, then I move on. Regardless of whether my choices are right or wrong, I have to continue to make them.  It’s important to move.  Forward or back, each is a learning experience and with that I grow in my ability to help him manage this monster.

Keep moving people.  Moving targets are harder to hit.