Come at me, 2012!

New Years is on the way and in this house resolutions are a little different.  Yes, I’d like to lose a couple of pounds and get back in shape and finish all the projects I’ve started and and and… but let’s face facts those all fall way behind what many of us dealing with PTSD and the aftermath of war, whether it be our own or a loved one’s, will resolve to do this year.

Here’s my short list. 

This year I will breathe and watch him leave the house alone without turning blue with worry.  I will not make the face that says please wait for me so I can come and make sure you come home alright. 
I will speak up and not swallow my emotions for fear they will tip off a bad day because every time I swallow them, he knows anyway.  I will approach gently like a breeze in the night, but I’ll say what needs to be said as I have learned I’m not doing either of us favors by being a silent martyr. 

I will, once again, try to get him back to the doctor for help because I am not a doctor and I am not a therapist.  As much as I know about PTSD, there is three fold more that I don’t know.  We will seek help and we will do it together.

I will not punish myself for getting mad at him.  He’s a pain sometimes and I’m allowed to feel that way.  He makes me crazy sometimes because he’s human.

I will try to stop thinking about being alone in this house sooner than I should.  Though I know this thing, this monster, can shorten his life worrying does nothing.  We must be active in making sure we are living as healthy as we can and forget all the rest that we cannot control.  Life comes with no guarantees.

I will also try to stop worrying about him taking his life when I have to leave the house without him.  Bad days are normal and they don’t mean he’s standing on the edge.  I will watch and be aware, but I will not give myself an ulcer by entertaining my own dark fears.

And lastly, I will try to make this year better than the last but I will understand I cannot make his life stress free. No one gets that luxury.  He will have lousy days, sleepless nights, and anxiety.  I will shed some tears and get mad over things that aren’t really that important.  We will have ups and downs, but the coming year will bring us a lion’s share of happiness because we made it through this year, scathed and tired, alive and together.  We are happy and hanging on.

I wish you all a new year filled with accomplishments, big or small.  And I hope for all to be able to see these steps and not fall into despair when things seem bleak. We scale a flight of stairs the same be there a hundred or a thousand.  One step, one moment, one move forward.  Happy New Year.