Several months after Chris and I became friends, he confided in me that the doctors said he had PTSD. At the time, he fell way short of accepting the diagnosis and still clung to the belief that it was not he that had changed, but the world around him.
I took a different approach by setting out to learn every possible thing I could about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Website after website, book after book, I gleaned the internet and stores for any and all information. I read lists upon lists of symptoms, personal stories, and possible treatments.
With Chris still living across the country, the only real experience I had was desperate emails and strange phone calls in the middle of the night. When he finally made his way out to my neck of woods I got my first true taste of PTSD.
And it was an eye-opener.
This is my real-life list of symptoms I’ve personally experienced since Chris came into my life.
Nightmares – Chris has nightmares on a nightly basis. During these nightmares he may talk, get up, sleepwalk, jump out of bed to take cover, check me for wounds, mourn my death, scream, cry, protect me from incoming, or run while laying on his back. I didn’t sleep an entire night for almost a year and a half. During that time, I learned how to comfort him without waking him up. He and I are sleeping more nights but the nightmares are still constant.
Flashbacks – This one was and still is the most frightening aspect of PTSD. During his flashbacks, Chris is in Iraq. I have watched him put on his gear and load his weapon. He has pulled me into his flashback thinking I’ve somehow ended up in theater with him. Nightmares and flashbacks sometimes melt into each other, but a flashback seems marked by his responsiveness to me. During flashbacks, he may be unable to tell me what the year is, where he is, or who I am.
Disassociation – This goes hand in hand with flashbacks, but it’s less noticeable. Basically, Chris will go catatonic. If I don’t notice, he can stay like that for a long while. Outwardly, he’s still and staring off, but inside, he’s in Iraq. I had to learn to watch closely for these periods because they leave Chris feeling as if he’s been back in the war zone for months. Many times he’s ‘woken’ and behaved as if we were having a tearful reunion after a long deployment. I didn’t know Chris before he went to Iraq, so this is not a memory. It is very real to him, including him breaking into a sweat even when it’s cold because he feels the desert heat.
Unreasonable Anger/Waves of Emotions – I say unreasonable because anger is natural. When it’s over nothing or minor things, it’s a symptom. Chris is irritable and easily agitated. He angers over little things. In certain instances he recognizes it as soon as his ‘fog’ clears. When he catches himself, he’s ashamed over his inability to control his emotions. Sadness also rushes over him for no reason, as does fear.
Extreme Sensitivity to Sound – This one is standard. Loud noises startle him unlike anyone I’ve ever known. They can also launch him head first right back into the sand. I have learned any time there is a sudden or loud noise, I have to go to him to help him calm down or he may fall in to a flashback.
Pseudoseizures – This one was never on any list and I was a year in before I witnessed the first of three occasions where Chris suffered what looked like seizures. Upon research I found the name. Pseudoseizures are connected to PTSD, after a little digging, and create what looks like an epileptic seizure. Chris’s first time was after a severe nightmare. He didn’t wake completely before his body curled. His hands drew up to his chest and his body shook. When it was seemingly done and Chris was fully awake, he was paralyzed from the waist down. It took around twenty minutes for his legs to regain feeling.
Stroke like symptoms – On two separate occasions after a flashback, Chris has spent almost 24 hours unable to speak normally. Through out the day, his ability trickled back. It started with him being able to make noises, but not form words. Then, he could form words but he stuttered and struggled for the right words. Eventually over the course of the day he was able to speak just as he had the day before.
Unexplained body aches – Over the past year Chris has developed body aches. They steadily increased until now Chris is always in pain. Some days it’s enough to keep him in bed. It’s an all over pain that the doctors have not been able to explain. He had blood tests, EEGs, MRIs, but still nothing. We deal, and I keep him moving. We’ve taking up hiking recently in a very secluded nature preserve where the silence and the exercise are having a positive effect. Again, after research and the advice of a friend, I’ve found the fibromyalgia may be linked to stress disorders such as his.
This is my list. There are other symptoms, standard ones, and I’m sure there are others with different symptoms. The key is know your enemy and know it well. Using a site such as Not Alone and her forums allows us to gather and share information making this disorder much easier to live with. So please, if you have information share it, and if you need information ask for it. The forums are easy to find and I promise to try my best to read and respond to everything I can. We all need our own voice but during the darkest days we need to hear the voices of others walking the road with us.
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