Come at me, 2012!

New Years is on the way and in this house resolutions are a little different.  Yes, I’d like to lose a couple of pounds and get back in shape and finish all the projects I’ve started and and and… but let’s face facts those all fall way behind what many of us dealing with PTSD and the aftermath of war, whether it be our own or a loved one’s, will resolve to do this year.

Here’s my short list. 

This year I will breathe and watch him leave the house alone without turning blue with worry.  I will not make the face that says please wait for me so I can come and make sure you come home alright. 
I will speak up and not swallow my emotions for fear they will tip off a bad day because every time I swallow them, he knows anyway.  I will approach gently like a breeze in the night, but I’ll say what needs to be said as I have learned I’m not doing either of us favors by being a silent martyr. 

I will, once again, try to get him back to the doctor for help because I am not a doctor and I am not a therapist.  As much as I know about PTSD, there is three fold more that I don’t know.  We will seek help and we will do it together.

I will not punish myself for getting mad at him.  He’s a pain sometimes and I’m allowed to feel that way.  He makes me crazy sometimes because he’s human.

I will try to stop thinking about being alone in this house sooner than I should.  Though I know this thing, this monster, can shorten his life worrying does nothing.  We must be active in making sure we are living as healthy as we can and forget all the rest that we cannot control.  Life comes with no guarantees.

I will also try to stop worrying about him taking his life when I have to leave the house without him.  Bad days are normal and they don’t mean he’s standing on the edge.  I will watch and be aware, but I will not give myself an ulcer by entertaining my own dark fears.

And lastly, I will try to make this year better than the last but I will understand I cannot make his life stress free. No one gets that luxury.  He will have lousy days, sleepless nights, and anxiety.  I will shed some tears and get mad over things that aren’t really that important.  We will have ups and downs, but the coming year will bring us a lion’s share of happiness because we made it through this year, scathed and tired, alive and together.  We are happy and hanging on.

I wish you all a new year filled with accomplishments, big or small.  And I hope for all to be able to see these steps and not fall into despair when things seem bleak. We scale a flight of stairs the same be there a hundred or a thousand.  One step, one moment, one move forward.  Happy New Year.

Oh No, Not the Holidays

The holidays are difficult.  Living up to the expectations and obligations is a challenge no matter who you are.  Gifts, parties, family, traffic, holiday shopping, planning, etc, it’s a weight even the most organized and healthy of individual finds hard to cope with.

Imagine having just come home from the war and being expected to jump right back into the hustle and bustle of a soldier’s civilian side of life.  I know what you’re thinking.  They’ve been in a battle zone, a Christmas party with friends and family should be nothing for them.

Have you ever heard the pop of a Champaign cork?  They may register it as the pop of a weapon and take cover in front of a crowd of shocked onlookers.  I’ve seen it happen and I’ve seen the absolute look of embarrassed bewilderment on his face when he realizes where he is and what he’s done.

“Aside from the fact we don’t want to be around anyone because we associate bad things happening when we’re around,” my husband said after I read him the previous paragraphs.  Then he shrugged.  He hates the holidays.  They bring stress to an already stressed man.

There are a lot of soldiers coming home right now.  They’re looking forward to something they’ve been away from for a long time and many families have built expectations that everything will be perfect and fall right back into place.  It won’t be perfect.  Things will go wrong and how loved ones react will make a world of difference to their returning warrior.

When he or she comes through that door remember to ease in to exposure to crowds and noise.  Don’t think for a second that everything will necessarily be the same as it was before, even if you’ve already danced this deployment dance several times.

Good luck to all in having a stress free and happy holiday. And remember, people who are important will choose to understand if your plans cannot include them and people who won’t understand just aren’t important.