Veteran/soldier suicide has been in the spotlight for a while now. Most of us have seen the horrible statistics of how many veterans commit suicide every day. It’s become an epidemic, but strangely I’d never wondered about the spouses or the toll they, we, are paying.
That is until I spoke to Jenny here at Not Alone about their new project Just Wait. I started thinking about my own struggle with suicide and how I’d used it as a sick sort of comfort for several years.
When things were bad, and don’t get me wrong they aren’t perfect now but they’re better… but when things were bad I would lay in bed not wanting to get up and knowing I had to face the day. I would tell myself if I needed to I could stop it all but today I needed to try and see if I could make things better before I made the final decision to end my life.
It was a strange sort of comfort I’m actually embarrassed to admit. Just like an alcoholic I used the knowledge I could stop the pain to endure more. One day at a time. Choose to live today and see about tomorrow, tomorrow.
When it was all said and done, each day I found a reason to live and those reasons varied. Today it might have been that my son had a project needing to be done. Tomorrow it may have been that we’d received a call from a congressman saying he was going to help us. The next it may have been that my husband was having a bad day and he needed me more than I needed peace.
I chose to wait each day, one day, every day until those days stretched into weeks, then months, and now years. Now that the worst of it has passed and we’ve come to understand what we must do to deal with the scars war caused I don’t look to suicide for comfort. I look to my husband, and my family. My kids. My pets. My plants. My life.
I chose to live. You can as well. Today, find a reason and just wait.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Medical Marijuana, My View
Last year the VA issued a statement on veterans seeking medical marijuana treatments outside the VA system. Though they would provide neither the card nor the medicine, the legal use would not inhibit the vet’s ability to seek care through the VA.
Now researchers are seeking federal approval to study the effectiveness of medical marijuana in treating combat PTSD and I acknowledge the need, but a year ago my husband and I went to a doctor and got a medical marijuana card. I’ve struggled to write about it because of the stigma attached yet here I am finally after a year writing about using ‘weed’ to ease the symptoms of PTSD.
I was skeptical when we walked into the office, especially when I was also offered the paperwork to get a card. I wanted to walk out at that point. But we’ve tried everything available to us when it comes to Chris’ PTSD so I bit my tongue and listened carefully to the doctor. He felt my husband was a good candidate but that he also needed counseling – which I agree with – and other psychotropic medications – which I don’t agree with. In the end the doctor scripted two other meds along with issuing a medical marijuana card.
Instantly, Chris’ symptoms seemed better. It was like a miracle. He was changed. He was happy, easy going, sleeping marginally, and we were able to go places – though I had to drive always. Even the stomach problems he had disappeared. I was happy. It was amazing.
He instantly went into overdrive, doing projects and going places. But that faded and he eventually spent most of his time sitting on the back deck looking at his computer.
Then, the paranoia set in. On more than one occasion, he had episodes of paranoia and shaking so bad I thought he would have to go to the emergency room but I was afraid to take him. Still, he seemed better than he’d been in years and I kept my mouth shut about the fact he was different. He was being responsible enough with the meds to treat them with respect, including cutting back when they started to not work as well, so I was willing to accept him medicated if it made him feel better.
A couple months ago, Chris came to me and said he thought maybe he would stop taking it. I said whatever you want and that was that – but I did a little dance in my head. After a few days I saw the man I married. He was anxious but clear. I had missed him so much and hadn’t even realized he was gone. He told me he feels like he’s stepped out of a fog and woken up.
I know some have stated they’ve had fantastic results with medical marijuana, but our good results were fleeting, like with every other med he’s taken. And the negative were easy to overlook until months had passed. I feel like he’s come home again, and we’re back to dealing one day at a time with his symptoms, and that’s okay. We’re clear and life moves forward.
Now researchers are seeking federal approval to study the effectiveness of medical marijuana in treating combat PTSD and I acknowledge the need, but a year ago my husband and I went to a doctor and got a medical marijuana card. I’ve struggled to write about it because of the stigma attached yet here I am finally after a year writing about using ‘weed’ to ease the symptoms of PTSD.
I was skeptical when we walked into the office, especially when I was also offered the paperwork to get a card. I wanted to walk out at that point. But we’ve tried everything available to us when it comes to Chris’ PTSD so I bit my tongue and listened carefully to the doctor. He felt my husband was a good candidate but that he also needed counseling – which I agree with – and other psychotropic medications – which I don’t agree with. In the end the doctor scripted two other meds along with issuing a medical marijuana card.
Instantly, Chris’ symptoms seemed better. It was like a miracle. He was changed. He was happy, easy going, sleeping marginally, and we were able to go places – though I had to drive always. Even the stomach problems he had disappeared. I was happy. It was amazing.
He instantly went into overdrive, doing projects and going places. But that faded and he eventually spent most of his time sitting on the back deck looking at his computer.
Then, the paranoia set in. On more than one occasion, he had episodes of paranoia and shaking so bad I thought he would have to go to the emergency room but I was afraid to take him. Still, he seemed better than he’d been in years and I kept my mouth shut about the fact he was different. He was being responsible enough with the meds to treat them with respect, including cutting back when they started to not work as well, so I was willing to accept him medicated if it made him feel better.
A couple months ago, Chris came to me and said he thought maybe he would stop taking it. I said whatever you want and that was that – but I did a little dance in my head. After a few days I saw the man I married. He was anxious but clear. I had missed him so much and hadn’t even realized he was gone. He told me he feels like he’s stepped out of a fog and woken up.
I know some have stated they’ve had fantastic results with medical marijuana, but our good results were fleeting, like with every other med he’s taken. And the negative were easy to overlook until months had passed. I feel like he’s come home again, and we’re back to dealing one day at a time with his symptoms, and that’s okay. We’re clear and life moves forward.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)