finding my path...

It’s hard to write sometimes. Hard to sit quietly examining my inner self, trying to make sense of the construct I’ve created over the years to cope with outside forces.  It becomes easier however with each passing moment that I allow myself to be honest instead of holding onto old beliefs of who I am.  Easier still if I listen to those who love and know me because they are to who I show my truest face.

Seems rather out there but stop for a moment.  My mother always said we have three faces.  The face of who we think we are, the face of who we show the world, and the true face of who we really are.  With trust in someone, we find ourselves showing our true face and therefore seeing it as well.  Many times however, we deny that face.  We don’t want it to be true because it is that face which is most vulnerable.  It has no barriers, no battlements. 

When outside forces diminish trust between people, the face turns away from the truest face and walls arise.  Trauma to the psyche damages the ability to trust.  Paranoia, fear, anger all create blockage.  So it is sometimes up to the counterpart to help find the path back.  We all do it, helping those we love navigate life, and it’s done for us as well.

The helping can be subtle as an encouraging smile during difficult moments.  Or it can be blunt and hard, like saying what is not wanted but most needed.  When we choose to be most honest with those around us we create trust.  This trust creates ease in motion and thought.  It allows us to become comfortable in our own skin and move forward in evolving and healing.  When we help others find their truest face, we find our own.

Knowing my true face has been an exercise in letting go of old pain I’d become accustomed to cultivating.  Anger and disappointment over losing who I was clouded my ability to find my way to a new path so I could figure out who I am now.  I simply stood at the fallen tree across my old road and cursed the heavens for being unfair.  It’s easy to get caught up in what might have been when our plans are so set in stone.  But stone gives way to the elements and we must give way to circumstances we cannot control.  The goal is not the destination but the journey and many times plans must be changed regardless of how loudly we scream to the world or how pitifully we cry for ourselves.

Finding enough strength to hear those around me has been my biggest challenge and my greatest reward.  It created light where I could not see allowing my new journey to become visible to me.  And though I will always look back on my old path with fondness I’ll no longer stand with my feet planted crying for what I lost.