I looked around the other day and realized I’d become obsessed with PTSD. On my email account I have no less than four news alerts, blog alerts, any mention of the letters PTSD alerts. Over the course of a week I read seventy to eighty articles on PTSD. I also read forum posts, blog posts, and any blurb out there including foolish internet memes.
The investment might seem like only time, but it’s also emotional. Feelings that well up and exhaust me especially when I read more possible symptoms, negative writings, or awful outcomes of veterans who lost the struggle. I live with a tension through my neck with fingers stretching around my skull. I hear my computer signal a new email and I immediately check no matter what I’m doing. Even in the middle of a workout I’ll stop and read or at the very least scan.
I’m tired of PTSD. I hate it. I hate the depressive state I can’t help him with. I hate the pain he has every single day. I hate that we live in a place with some of the most amazing things to do that we can’t do because of crowds, noises, stress. I just want to scream. Instead I wad it all up in a ball and stuff it down into my stomach and go about my business.
Then the computer bing-bongs calling me to read and PTSD comes whooshing back to the forefront of my thoughts so I can start the process all over again. How healthy can this be? We already ride an awfully rickety rollercoaster. I really don’t need to build my own with words and worries I find on the internet.
I believe it’s good to stay informed, but at some point I don’t think I need any more information than I already have. I’ve reached that point. So, today I’m removing the news alerts. My computer will no longer be a fear monger in my life. Here’s hoping I have the will power to stay away.
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