Sometimes, He Forgets

We were standing in line at Lowes buying a couple of little things.  Chris had convinced me he could alter a planter so I could have a hanging plant in my office without it being one of those ugly orange plastic containers.  With all the stuff piled waiting to be scanned, Chris went still and his eyes, for lack of a better way to explain it, focused away.

I’m used to this, he does it not too often, but often enough. Lately it’s become more frequent and though he usually loses an hour or a day or two the memories always came back eventually.  They haven’t lately.  He’s losing time, little bit of life, and it’s not coming back.  I find this distressing especially after reading of a veteran who lost a year and never regained those memories.

What do I do if he loses a large portion of time?  Reminding him of the good things isn’t so bad, but what of the sorrow these past months?  I don’t want to have to remind him of these things and watch him mourn all over again. 

I’m becoming increasingly worried that he’ll have an incident when I’m not with him.  What if he forgets we’re not in the apartment anymore?  He’s recently started wearing his dog tags again.  Maybe it’s an unconscious precaution, but it makes me feel more secure about him leaving the house alone.  He has something on him other than his wallet that identifies him.

Years ago, before we met, Chris lost time and forgot he and his ex had gotten divorced.  He went ‘home’ to a very surprised woman.  What do we do to make sure these guys are safe but enjoy the freedom of an adult life?  I can’t be with him twenty-four seven though we are together close to that.  So what do I do?

This is such a huge part of what I worry about every time he runs to the store, I can barely do anything but hold onto the phone and watch for his big white truck to come down the street.  Hell, I’ve stood at the end of the driveway while he was gone so I could see all the way to the corner.

It’s quite a sick carnival those of us who deal with PTSD live in.  Every time I think we’ve conquered the one mountain in our way, we find another one behind it. I’m getting so frustrated, so I have to re-center and find a way to put my old rose colored glasses back on.  And for God’s sake, no more diesel wafting through the air.