It’s a calm beginning to a beautiful morning. I’m as of yet the only one who has managed to crawl from bed and start the day. With a cup of Coconut Cream coffee I might add.
The stress level in the house, for me at least, has dropped to pre-PTSD levels. Let me explain because I hold a belief that the high levels of divorce amongst returning OIF/OEF soldiers and their spouses is partially to blame from stress, but not the stress most people assume.
It’s a stress brought on by the confusing and often frustrating maze surrounding the VA. A while ago I wrote a piece about the ending of my fiduciary career with a marriage certificate. Two months ago I received a letter from the hub – that’s what they call themselves – stating that my accounting is due.
I was floored. Why? Because last year Chris and I moved our wedding date from March of this year to November of last so that I would no longer be a fiduciary/custodian. My status for my 100% PTSD husband would be spouse payee. Those who are familiar with the VA benefits side know that those who are unmarried and rated 100% with a mental disability must have a custodian.
Those who are custodians must supply the VA with a detailed accounting of their spending. They must have a separate account for the disability monies, and they must ask permission to spend over $500 on a single purchase.
I take issue with this system but I understand why there is a need for some sort of fail safe. I’m not writing this to rant about the VA. No, I’m writing so others will not have wake up with their hearts thumping out of their chest because they feel like the VA is bearing down on them.
First off, the VA sends out form letters. If you receive one that makes your heart pound because it sounds threatening, get on the phone. Be polite, be direct, be strong. These people, though they might not always have the correct information, are trying to help. If someone on the phone isn’t helpful ask for a supervisor.
These last few weeks have been up and down. When I opened the letter requesting my accounting, I got on the phone to our case manager. She got on the phone and then I got a call. We started the process of working out what had happened and then all communications broke down. My calls weren’t returned, the computers were down, I sat with my hands in my hair on the edge of the couch crying.
Have I thought of walking away before? Yes. This is hard. PTSD is hard. And this situation has tested my strength and determination more times than I’d care to mention. But what gave me pause to think about throwing my hands up in surrender was not his PTSD. It was the VA.
Luckily, I managed to pick myself up and get back on the phone to our case manager and she then provided me with two phone numbers. I called, left a message, then waited with my heart in my throat because by this time my accounting was late. It took a week to get a call back. In the end, I found that the VA had made a mistake and not sent the field examiner out. Until they did I was still fiduciary.
This issue has been worked through and the examiner is on his way within 45 days. Our case has a big sticky note attached to it placing a hold on the required accounting until my status is changed. I am relieved - this mouse managed to got her cheese.
How many couples couldn’t handle the maze? How many spouses had to split their time and just didn’t have the strength the run the maze to get VA issues worked through? How many put their hands up in surrender and walked away from the marriage?
As I said, I understand the need for checks and balances, but those of us who are dealing with the paperwork and phone tag are also dealing with nightmares, depression, hyper-vigilance. We’re tired. We’re angry. We’re scared. And we don’t understand why it seems like the people on our team are playing against us at times.
The only solution is to get on the phone and know the chain of command. Start at the bottom - plan on being on the phone for a long while – and start climbing. If one person does not offer the help needed, ask for a supervisor. In the end, I spoke with the head of the fiduciary branch of the entire VA.
These people work for us, but we must be proactive. Get on the phone and start making noise.
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